Ms Melissa

03:44 pm: life sucks but i always screw it up myself
remind me why i just dont shoot myself in the face? yeah my life sucks and yeah

10:26 pm: story of my life
I hate this, everytime i think i make progress in my life, i realized that i have taken two steps back...

i go to thearpy and think that talking out my problems will make me feel better, which for that period of a hour it does, then immedently after i leave, i feel the exact same way as i did before that hour.

its like why do i like guys that dont like me, or why do i think and do things that i know are going to hurt me in the end?

i just dont understand but i guess that is the fucking story of my life...

06:56 am: why?
i seriously feel like the scum of the earth, i hurt eric soooo bad again. Do i ever learn? i cant believe i did it again, and not to meantion i get stepped on from others as well. so the deal eric and i broke up, talking to someone, but they are completely blowing me off ingorning me, its like why do i go for guys that fucking cant stand me, and reject the nice ones? I seriously dont understand whats wrong with me, i need my friends, i seriously dont understand what is wrong with me, why i put myself through the same shit over and over again, its like life was going alright sort of, then it just goes to shit again, my work is not great, i am being montiored like no other, i fucking cant do anything right, eric is soo brokehearted and i fear will hate me, even though he says he doesnt and wont , who knows he can always change his mind, i got someone who tells everyone of my friends how he feels but treats me like crap and wont tell me a god damn thing, its like fuck it, whats the point anymore, every realtionship i have i have screwed it up somehow, its always me doing the breaking but yet i try to make it seem like i was justified or they did something so terrible when its really me doing the horrible things. I honestly dont get why? after all this shit i have done, people still want to voulenter to be in a realtioship with me, why? can u seriously answear me the question, i am not great, i am certainly not perfect, i am not very fun, i am bitchy, and mean, why did any of you like me or want to be with me?

07:37 am: Turning point
does it say loser, geek, retarted, slut, whore, usless, written on my forehead at all? i didnt think so either. everyday more and more i feel more useless, i am just a huge fucking blob on society, i mean seriously what i am contributing? Nothing but misery to eric, and i led a non existing life in my own house. I have parents who only when i take off for a week then decide they care about me. but even if they showed it everyday its like to me now a little too late. should have done that when i was in school getting taughted my the kids at school for being fat, should have done it when i was acting out in jr high , should have done it when i got freaking stood up on homecoming, should have done it when i finally broke down and told you i was afriad of jason, but you didnt, you either ignore it or laugh at it, or made a fucking joke out of it. i try to be cool and understanding and when i do i get fucking walked all over, i swore that it wouldnt happen again and yet i keep doing it. do i ever learn? am i captable of such a task? If you look at my life and where its going, it laughable, i graduated school big fucking deal, dont have a date for stateboard havent even paid off the school, havent even taken the two baby boards and passed the two test i need to techinally be done with school, in school couldnt get anyone to come in and help me out on a few occusions my guy friends came in, but i think it was more for the chicks then me. its just funny how i do this to myself now, how i fucking set myself up for failure and hulimanation. I am 23 years old, still living at my parents house, cant afford a place to live, waiting on people to come through for me, when i have to realize that i cant do that, its like what else do i have coming to me? as far as i can tell right now my future doesnt look to bright, i see myeslf as my fucking parents and that is enough to make anyone want to murder themselves. I would never wish my worst enemy to be like my parents, it just seems i am doomed to live my life being nothing more then a fucking joke to my parents, and no more then a fuck to everyone else...

08:06 am: I honestly feel like anything i say or anything i do is wrong. Maybe some people are right i dont think , i just do and say things even if it hurts someone. talk about selfish. i know i am, i know all i do is wonder what could happen to me, how does this benefit me, how will this affect me, i have no thoughts are cares to anyone around. Its like i am stuck in this child like state.Its like what else can i do now to make everyone lives miserable, i know i am a "mean girl" and that is my fault i pushed everyone away and then i fucking complain about it. work seems to just be going downhill still cant do jackshit right and i know i am on thin fucking ice right now, just now waiting for that ice to break

08:55 pm: fuck it all!!!!!!!!!!
well im depressed again, i seriously going to go get check out somewhere, i am at the end of my fucking ropes right now, i feel like if i dont do something soon i am seriously going to kill msyelf and do something bad, i hate my life soo fucking much, my job sucks, school is alright but no one wants me to anything to them, i guess i am not a good sales person, my dad is going to the fbi, because he thinks i have been using his credit card to buy shit online, which i did use once, but my mother gave me permissiom to do so, so i got a family that hates me literally and thinks i am nothing but a theif and a lair and my car is ruined, i got into a car accident and the lady fucked up my back permittialy, eric and myself are fighting yet again, i know big suprise and i just fucking miserable thinking about my life and what i could have done to pervent certain shit, i dont care anymore, hate me if you must

04:06 pm: who am i? and why do i hate myself?

Well anyways so not much has been going down this week, nothing but school and work. work is getting better still hate going though, because people there hate me for some odd reason, and i am soooo not kidding. They really dont like me, and i find it funny because i went to work last week on saturday after school and i find out that gloria the lady that got the benefited postion over me and shayna got arrested for stealing gift cards, it made me laugh soo hard, because they thought this lady was perfect and great, and they told me that i had to work harder and blah blah blah. i thought it was funny but that is just my sick and werid sense of humor. Nothing much else has been going down expect the usual, i hate myself and who i am self hating crap. School is good, one of the girls pissed me off she passed off her client to me without even asking if i had a client or if i wanted it, she just went and wrote it in my books. I told manhaul and he didnt care, why would he? I am a nobody in his eyes. (and everyone else's). It just sucks because i try hard and nothing happens. i am sick of people expecting certain things from me that i just cant do, even if i try. but i am not going to get into that because again no one cares. Eric and myself doing alright i guess, i still feel like i everything i do and everything i say is wrong to him. I just get the feeling that maybe i will never make him happy. I mean i know his happy, but there are times, where i think that maybe he would be better off without me, not because i dont love him, which i do love him, but he seems like i dont know what i am trying to say. We are just way diffrent people and sometimes i have to wonder if that is going to be the thing that breaks us, is the fact that we are sooo diffrent. I mean the only thing we really have in common is well wrestling and eric is not really into that anymore. we dont like the same music, he says he likes mine but i can never listin to it in the house otherwise if i do, he will tell me how lame it is (not in those exact words but pretty close), and we sort of like the same movies but not really, he cant stand the john waters films which i worship that guy, he is one of my idols. and he is not a horror fan, and i love horror movies, when i actually thought i could be anything i wanted, i wanted to be a director and make horror films and b-movies. it just sucks. i sometimes feel that because i hardly see eric, that we are growing apart, because i am continuesly gone. but i guess we will get through it. Other things have been bugging me, i am in a constant battle with myself over the way i look and how others perseve me, i dont know why i care so much. I just have noticed that more and more each day i am hating the way i look, it angers me soo much that not once but twice, i have well yeah and i didnt get the benefits of it. its not fair i gained weight for nothing. it fucking sucks, but who cares right? I am consitley feeling like everything i say, everything i do, everything about me is stupid and wrong. But if i say anything to anyone they either say to me, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with your life, or no you are crazy, but seriously i am starting to wonder if i am going crazy. because sometimes things are just not right in my head, but if i tell eric he will be like stop the whole whoa is me act and be a be girl and grow up, fuck that i would like to see him try to deal with some of the stuff i go through, i know he has problems and shit has gone down in his life that he will never get over, but i would never tell him to grow up and get over it you know. i would try to listin and be supportive, but who cares. i dont i guess

04:13 pm: ANGER
1. Who did you last get angry with? Heidi a instructor from school.
2. What is your weapon of choice? Brass knuckles or knife
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? yes
4. How about of the same sex? lol yes
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? Eric
6. What is your pet peeve? people who dont pick up their feet when they walk, stupid people, people who arent open minded.
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? No i keep grudges i still hold a grudge against a girl from 6th grade she fucked me over big time.

SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? ummm shower no j/k um i dont know go poop lol
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? 1pm
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't: Shawna
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? " i am mexican so i dont know " lol j/k
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones...)? nope
6. When was the last time you got a good workout in? like two months ago
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? none

GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? umm jamba juice i guess
2. Meat eaters: no thanks
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? umm like 5-6 drinks i a little person i get drunk easier
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? no
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? all the time
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? i like sweets and salty
7. Have you ever looked at a small housepet or child and thought, "LUNCH!"? lol no

LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? over 30 i am guessing
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? umm 22-25
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? lol sometimes
4. Have you "done it"? yes
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? it depends on the person if she has a nice rack i stare if she has pretty eyes ill stare
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? nope
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? umm yes considering nevermind.

GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own? none they wont let me have one anymore
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? umm a web site called lucky 13
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? pay off bills, buy a new car, and get some tattoos and just save it.
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? rich
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? lol look at my job now but i aint making the bank
6. Have you ever stolen anything? nope nothing
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? zero

PRIDE
1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of? umm nothing yet when i graduated i will be proud i guess.
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? nothing really
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? i could care less
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? i have tried but i didnt win
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? yeah we cheat alot in school
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? nothing all i did was work and come home

ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? a nice houe
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? jesse james
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? marilyn manson and morrissey
4. Have you ever been cheated on? yes
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? all the time
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? tolerance, patiece and a good heart.
7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? nope.
8. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? Lust.

Seven Heavenly Virtues

FAITH
1. What religion do you follow? none
2. What religion were you raised as? catholch
3. Do you believe that forgiveness is a religious property, or a human property? human
4. Do you believe in magic? yes
5. What was the last promise you broke? i would lose weight
6. Have you ever said the words to a prayer and not meant it? i dont think so
7. Do you believe that anyone could be perfect? i have meant some perfect people it sucks

HOPE
1. Did you get everything you wanted over the last holiday season? i suppose
2. Regarding your future, what is the best thing you could hope for? actually be something in life.
3. Do you let yourself get your hopes up for something even if you know that there is a large chance of failure? all the time
4. Have you ever bought a lottery ticket? yeah
5. Do you gamble? nope
6. Have you ever had something called off on account of bad weather, but then gone ahead and done it anyway? no

CHARITY
1. What causes do you support? abortion the womens right to choose.
2. What causes have you given money or time to? none
3. Have you ever worked in a soup kitchen or done another kind of outreach for the homeless? no
4. Would you ever consider joining the Peace Corps, Amnesty International? no
5. Do you give money to the homeless on the street? i have a few times
6. Have you ever helped out a friend with basic needs, like rent or food? yep
7. What's the greatest extent you've gone to help a friend in need? dont know i guess i am not that great of a friend.

FORTITUDE
1. What are you most afraid of? dying alone
2. What did you do today that was really brave? lol go to work
3. Who is your favorite superhero, and why? none
4. Would you put your life in danger to rescue someone? depends on who it is,
5. If you were to face the Wizard, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart? definitely brains
6. Have you ever gotten stage fright? yes
7. Do you consider yourself to be a leader or a follower? a little of both

JUSTICE
1. Have you ever been summoned for jury duty? nope
2. If they reinstituted the draft (for both genders), would you go, or would find some way out of it? im not sure
3. Do you support capital punishment (the death penalty)? yes
4. Which should be guaranteed legal: drugs, prostitution, cannabilism, euthanasia? prostitution they are going to do it anyway .
5. Do you believe that Dubya is rightfully President of the USA? nah
6. What was your favorite media circus trial? anna nicole smith
7. Have you ever written a letter to a politician? no

TEMPERANCE
1. What do you have the hardest time moderating yourself on? cigarettes
2. Do you collect anything? wwe figures
3. Are you addicted to anything? food, cigarettes, the internet.
4. Have you ever put anything on layaway or used an installment plan? no
5. What's your preferred method of paying for things? Cash.
6. Tell us one thing you wish you hadn't let yourself do: cheat on carl
7. Do you feel that you obsess over things? yes, all the time

PRUDENCE
1. Who is the wisest person you know? brandi
2. Have you ever participated in a vigil? no
3. Do you take advice when it's given? not really
4. What area are you wisest in? being stupid
5. Do you drive defensively? yes
6. Have you ever had unprotected sex outside of marriage? i am not married but yes i have had unprotected sex
7. What did you learn today? nothing
8. And of course, what is your favorite heavenly virtue? nothing

03:42 pm: please answear these questions and i mean all of you homie g's :)

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. Guys, would we date? Girls, would we be good friends?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
29. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?

12:52 pm: I am not sure what is going one? in all honesty i feel like i am going crazy. i belive things to be a certain way and they are not. ami manic depressive or bi polor or just plain crazy. I dont know what to do. i dont like feeling like this, i dont like waking up everyday hating life and hating everyone in it. i want so depressly to be a good person but i dont know if i have the heart for it. i think deep down inside its not only i hate people but i hate myself, i hate people bascially that are like me. feel the same way, acted the same way, think the same way. it comes down too i hate me not everyone else. it hurts to hear the truth about yourself, but no one has to tell me the truth. i already know. i am selfish, uncaring, uncompassiate, not thoughtful of other peoples feelings, lazy, chilish, and i dont know stupid. i just dont think things though and ten i feel sorry for myself when people get angry at me for not doing what they have asked me not to do soo many times. do i sound unhappy? just work is getting to me, i work hard but people are determined to make it harder for me, but who cares right? i should just move on and ingore it, school is alright but i really dont have the cliental like i should, for fuck sake my parents wont even come in and get something done from me, my mom came in and got a facial, she wont let me touch her hair at all. my sister wont either, my dad wont even. its like they dont have confiedence in me, i am really gaining confience though from working on walk in clients, and people have been telling me i am getting better and my weaves and color, and i fucking even did a great job doing a press and curl last night depsite the fact that that was the first time i ever worked on ethic hair and the lady made it obvious that she didnt want me working on her hair. but who cares right. i should just get over it. i fucking try my hardest as school and no one believes in me, my family, some friends, even my boyfriend doenst want to come in, he says its because he is scared because he doesnt have a license and my school is next door to the police station so i understand but its frustrating. oh well ill get over it, everyone tells me to supress my feelings anyway, i should shut the fuck up about it and get on with my life!!!!!!!!!!!!

08:22 pm: alright is eric the biggest butthead or not, well he really wants ice cream, he doesnt want to leave the house to go get it, i told me i didnt want to drive to get it, because i really didnt want any.So he has been giving me a hard time all night, because he wants ice cream and i dont want to go get it. He said to me "i cant be upset because i want something and cant have it" i wanted to say to him soooo bad " you can have it, if you get up and go get it" because he would have said the exact same thing to me, and he has. but instead i bite my tongue. like i always do :)

07:51 pm: Well it is loser me again, i cant stand myself more and more each day. i find it harder to deal with myself and who i am. I irrated everyone who comes into within three feet of me, i am too young to realize what "love and scarfice" really is. I am too selfish to even care, i think. a few days ago, eric said to me that he was scared i was going to leave him, because i was "being to cool about certain things" like when he went to reno with his friends, he said just certain things he expected me to put up a fight but i didnt. I dont know thoughts have been coming into my mind and i cant escape them. I just wish for one day i could trade personalitys with someone, someone who is confiendent, someone who is strong, someone who well is not me. I just look at myself in the mirror everyday and i really dont like what i see. I find it hard to deal with the guilt inside me each day, the other day we were at eric's friend house watching the sorpano's and eric's friend laura and aron came over with their daughter and it just made me so sad and so happy at the same time. I dont know, i feel jealous each time i see a child with his/her mother or father. it makes me feel like its not fair, its not fair that they didnt have to make the descion of giving up their baby, they got to keep their's, its not fair, and i know people say life is not fair, but fuck it, i dont give a fuck anymore, so what if i am being selfish, i would like to see someone go through what i went though and not think about everyday of their life, not get jealous, not think its not fair, that i had too. maybe all this "life experience" has made me tougher and stronger then i thought, but when i think about it, i feel like i should have grown up from it, but i dont feel like i have, i still feel like a child, i still feel like i am a 22 year with a mind of a 12 year old girl. I feel like in the past year and half i havent really grown up at all, i feel like i am the same person i was when i first moved back to folsom, a selfish brat. I really do, i know everyone hates to hear it, but its true. I keep searching and searching for something tanglable, something i can hold onto and never let go, but its just not there. I care about nothing, i hold nothing close to my heart, expect for trying to make myself happy and trying to get closer to where i want to be in life. is that selfish? or is that growing up? i should care about myself yes, but dont you think i should be caring about eric and msyelf? strange to anyone else? i thought going to school would make me feel like i am doing something with my life, but it seems like more and more no one is really taking me seriously, i tell my family to come down and get a facial, a haircut, even a manicure and its like they look at me like i have lobsters coming out of my ears. My family i still think looks at me like i am a little girl who is depresalbly trying to impress them and make them proud. My friends people at work, dont take it seriously they think, lol melissa cant do anything, she cant even make herself look good, why would i trust her to make me look good. its that whole i dont know everyone just doesnt take me seriously maybe its because i dont take myself seriously, but i try. i try to fake it and smile and laugh like i am having a good time, but only my true friends and myself can see right through it. i put on that fake laugh and smile to hide all the pain, all my fears that i have. but no one not even eric takes me seriously. i think most of the time, people look at me and think of me as a little girl, or a joke. i dont know what i can do, but wait and pray that one day i will be happy but who cares anymore, i have been unhappy for so long, i am not sure anymore what it is like to happy for reals, not the pretend happy that i put on.

03:46 pm: Lasts:
Last car ride: Yesterday night, sheena drove me home from alia's spa day.
Last kiss: just today, eric kissed me
Last library book checked out: umm like in grade school i think.
Last movie watched: Fight club
Last beverage drank: diet pespi
Last food consumed: cimmaon suger cookie from mrs fields.
Last phone call: From Alia,asking when i was coming over to her aunts.
Last time showered: I showered today
Last CD played: R.E.M best of
Last website visited: in the clubs, i am on here when they took my picture with brandy and angie and club 21

Right now what are you:
Wearing: jeans and a white and black striped shirt
Drinking: nothing
Thinking about: where i am going to find money, and where i want to work next, because i hate my job right now.
Listening to: david spade's take the hit comdey

1. What is the first person you ever slept with's middle name? ummm i think it was Lee

2. What kind of underwear are you wearing and what color? as some of you may or may not know i dont wear underwear.

3. What is the song you want played at your Funeral? ummm either The Smiths- Asleep or Saves the day "At your funeral"

4. What is the phone number of your sluttiest friend? 916-628-24** j/k shawna lol hehe

5. What Would Your Last Meal be before getting executed? Umm Panda Express Orange chicken even though i dont eat meat, but hell i am going to die anyway.

6. Beatles or Stones? umm f both of them, i dont like either

7. If you had to pick one person on earth who should die, who would it be? right now? ummmm i dont know i hate alot of people but i havent wished death on any of them...yet

8. The person whose problems you would never want to hear? umm not sure, it is hard to beat me with problems and issues.

9. What is the thing most important to you (as far as physical) about the preferred sex? eyes

10. DO YOU secretly hate some of your friends but are too nice to reject them? at times i dislike my friends but i dont hate them, if i dont like you/ well slash hate you, believe me you would know it in about 2 seconds.

11. If you could have any super power what would it be? to read peoples minds.

12. FAVORITE hangover cure? i dont drink but when i do, i drink jamba juice in the morning.

13. How many drinks does it take to get you drunk? it depends on what i am drinking, long islands, it takes 2, but anything else 3

14. FAVORITE Roger Clyne Lyric? have no idea who that is.

15. HAIR COLOR? Black

16. If you had to be blind or deaf? deaf, because i would love to see things.

17. DO YOU have any psychiatric problems? most likey, i am fucked up in the head.

18. SIBLINGS that should go to rehab? i think so, but why would she, everyone thinks she is perfect in a werid way.

19. Least FAVORITE MONTH? ummm december, and november

20. FAVORITE hateful thing to do to someone? umm mess with their head, make them think you like them, then use info against them, i did it to steve.

21. First movie you can remember seeing as a kid? American Tail (fifel goes west), i cryed and cryed at that movie.

22. FAVORITE person in the whole world? blondie(s.n) and the arab

23. When's the last time you went on a date? i have never really been on a date.

24. DO YOU LIKE violent movies or dirty movies? violent.

25. FALL OR SPRING? fall.

26:What person do you wish you hadn't made out with? ummm Squirell

27. If you are straight, what person of the same sex would you do it with? ummm Rose Mcgowen

28. Where do you want to live when you are old and brittle? in Ireland

29. WHO is the person you can count on most? the arab and the blonde.

30. If you could date any celebrity past or present, time and age not a factor: johnny deep, Orlando Bloom, Stone Cold steve austin and jesse james.

31. WHAT BOOKS have you pretended you've read. um the bible, j/k none.

32. WHAT'S a word you would use to describe your life? Gay and not in a happy way, i mean gay

33. FAVORITE drinking GAME? i dont drink

34. WHAT DID YOU DREAM LAST NIGHT? that i was on the price is right.

35. FAVORITE vices? smoking, and playing on the internet.

36. What is the last thing you'd ever tell someone? how fucked up i really am.

egocentrism
[x]your name? Melissa Frolich
[x]your love? Eric Mcafee
[x]your music? Anything british from the 80s, emo music, gothic, 80s butt rock, punk.
[x]your talent? um making my signficants others crazy.
[x]your dream? to be a celebrity hair stlist.

external favorites
[x]car? I want a honda crv, but a old car i want a 1955 ford victoria.
[x]color? black
[x]person? not sure
[x]names? Michael Levi, and Aaliyah
[x]animal? Cats

later in life
[x]career? Hair and Makeup
[x]car? honda
[x]children? yes 3
[x]location? most likey in sacramento
[x]education? nope i will be done with school

everything else
[x]you plan to accomplish? i wish to become a funeral director
[x]believe in love? yes
[x]hate? lol yeah
[x]alcohol? no thanks
[x]what do you want out of life? for me to be happy with myeslf and how i am

1) Using band names, spell out your name: M- Metallica, E- Eurtheymics, L- Lunachicks, I- Interpol S- Switchblade Symophony, S- Smiths, A- AFI

2) Have you ever had a song written about you? yes all of my songs are about me and my life.

3) What song makes you cry? Heaven Knows Im Miserable Now-The Smiths.

4) What song makes you happy? The Darkness- I believe in a thing called love, lol


r a n d o m

DO YOU HAVE A JOB: yuck mervyns
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: R.E.M.
YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: Black
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: Jason Mraz

w h e n w a s/ w h a t w a s t h e l a s t

TIME YOU CRIED?: Friday night, Brandy brought a tear to my eye.
YOU GOT E-MAIL: brandy sent me a email with our pictures
THING YOU PURCHASED: a mrs field cookie.

l o v e
BOYFRIEND: Eric
GIRLFRIEND: Raeanne
CURRENT CRUSH: none
BEEN IN LOVE?: yes
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: of course
BEEN HURT? everyday.
YOUR GREATEST REGRET: umm lets see half of my life is one big regret.
GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYs: lol fucked i have fucked someone i have only know for a few hours, that shows how slutty i was.

12:47 pm: well then interesting and hurtful, eric asked me how much money i had? I said like hardly any, he goes " didnt you just get your taxes back? and i go " yeah like a month ago" and he goes " i asked you to save your money because you know i am out of job soon, and i go yeah i have about 100 bucks in the bank, and i just got paid friday, but i had to pay 260 to rent, so when i looked into my account, i had 4 something so minus 300 because that is how much i took out, i had 154 left, then i spent 20 bucks when i went to the elephant bar, then i spent about 14 or so on gas alone. well eric got all upset and he goes im disappointed because i counted on you to save money, which is my fault, yeah i suck at saving money, i screwed up, i admit that, but he continues with the you know im out of a job this week, and now i am going to have to take that stupid rubber job( is a rubber company or something i dont know) that i didnt want to take, and i go hey why do you think i am still at a job i hate, im not quitting a job i hate until i get another one, for the simple fact that we need money, and he goes " i know but still im disappointed, i guess i nver should have counted on you" that alone made me want to walk out the door and run down the street crying. I seriously cant take this anymore, i am phycially getting ill everytime i think about going to work, i hate it that bad, everything is just all getting to me, i am about __ ___ that much away from just going into a mental instuition and staying there just to get away from it all

12:39 pm: 1. IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT
BE?
In a far away land, away from people

2. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?
Umm not sure, my vans chekered shoes i guess.

3.WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE
OPPOSITE SEX? ummm i would have to say chest area, if you got a nice chest your hot.


4. WHAT'S THE LAST CD THAT YOU BOUGHT?
R.E.M - the best of rem 1988-2003

5. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
at my comptuer lol

6. WHERE'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
for now at work, but i hate being in church

7. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED?
i like to be massaged on my back, but i would say my bed.

8. WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN
BODY?
Strong in mind, but right now i dont have either.

9.WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP?
5:00am

10. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE?
im not sure, microwave i guess.

11. WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY?
LOL everything

12. IF YOU COULD PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT
BE?
The Drums

14. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV?
I want a suv soo bad, but eric wont let me have one.

15. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE?
um i believe in something but not sure what it is.

16. FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK?
Alice in Wonderland

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
Spring.

18. WHAT'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE?
not sure i hardly ever to household chore, that is so sad to say

19. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT
BE?
I would love to see what the furture.

20. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?
I have alot, lets just put it that way .

21. CAN YOU JUGGLE?
Nope.

22. THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD
GO BACK AND TALK WITH?
ummmm i have alot of people i would love to talk too. My ex Raeanne, carl, just to see if they are cool.

23. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DAY?
When i lay around and be dorkie

24. WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR?
ummm clothes, magazines, junk basically

25. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER?
neither

02:14 pm: hey answer the questions to my quiz people!! :)
1. The actress who should play me in a movie about my life is ________________________?

2.The prettiest things about her?_________________

3.But i cant stand the way her __________________ looks.

4. describe me in four words

5. Her favorite band is ?_____________________

6. If you could give me one gift it would be?___________

7. Is there a secret that you want to tell me but never have?

8. If yes, what is it?

9. Her worst qualtiy is___________________

10. Her best qualitly is__________________

11. Have you ever wanted to kiss me?___________ (i know you have shawna dont lie ) j/k

12. If you could change my name, what name would you give me?

13. How old do i really look?

14. If you didnt know me would you think i'm a bitch?

15. Are you my friend ?

11:33 am: alright is there something funny about my clothes? seriously i cant do anything right, i cant eat right, i cant dress right, i cant think right, i cant act right, i cant drive right, i cant talk right. i showed eric this cute top that i liked, i wasnt going to buy it but i thought it was cute, i showed him and he goes " oh god" and i go "what?" and he goes" you know i feel about that, when you are going to stop dressing like that, what if you get a normal job" and i go " i cant wear it when i go out?" and he goes " when ever is that?" i was like urgh, what the fuck, just because he dress's all noraml or modern i like to dress a certain way because it express who i am, i like rockabilly stuff, i am going to dress in the blue jeans, creepers, lepord print, blah blah, blah just because you get older i am only 22 doesnt mean i cant dress like that anymore, for fuck sake look at how stevie nicks dress's she is like over 50 and she still dress's all gothic which is cool, but no one ever told her to stop did they? its like i cant do anything right, the clothes i pick out or to trendy or just fit into my style too much, sorry i like wearing converse and creepers, and vans, i like wear the cute polka dot dress, i like wearing the dickies, i like wearing the striped shirts, i like skull and cross bones, i like stars, i like iron cross's sorry that is just who i am , take it or leave it, it is me

09:06 am: hey all i am sick, i started feeling sick yesterday, i went to go apply at hamburger marys, and i got into my car and it was really hot and i really had not had anything to eat that day, so i went to jamba juice and got one, i got to school and i already had a fat headache, so i drank my juice and i immdenatly starting feeling sick, my head was killing me, and my stomach hurt soooo bad, i still feel like crap, i went outside after theory with alia and i was looking like a beached whale i was just laying in my chair all spread eagle and gross, and to cheer me up alia decided to write on my leg " i love you" i was like why are you such a gay ass? then eric (not my eric, eric from school) he was taking makeup orders, and we found out we are brother and sister, why you ask because we are both atez indian, we thought maybe that is why we are so mean to everyone because the atez indians just basically scalped people for fun. not sure if i am going to schooltonight, we will see how i feel around 2pm, well talk to you all soon

08:46 pm: everyday i find myself falling more and more into a deeper depression that i cant really fight my way out of. I just find myself struggling to be normal everydy. No-one really knows how crazy inside i am becoming, i lieterally need to get on something to try to help me, but when i tell people that, they say you dont need that, or your crazy, or it just fits into my own crowd of people, so i am suppose to act like that.I seriously just want to sometimes drop everything and go check into the local assliem and kick it. I dont know what else to do, im not sure what is going on with me on the inside anymore. im afriad to open up and tell anyone how i really feel for fear they will look at me as being crazy and not want to be my friend anymore. How can i be normal again, i think at one point in my life i was normal, but shit happend that made everything just go crazy. i really dont know what to do. how can i get myself to open up again and be well human? not take everything so personal, not hear things that arent really there, not get so scared that it makes me sick, not get so afraid of everything that i image everything to be something that it is not? anyone? i am 22 years old, and i still have the mind of a 11 year old, i honestly dont think a 22 year old should be dealing with all this high school drama that i have going on in my head, i should be over this by now, i just want to find out whats wrong with me, why do i feel the way i do, why am i this horrible person.

09:02 pm: you know its funny sometimes, i have had this rash like thing on my arm for about a week now, little over a week, and just in the past few days it has started to spread around my arm, well i told eric that if it starts to spread more by tommrow i am going to the er, because i dont know what this thing is, you know, what if it is some serious thing, and he goes" we cant afford to go to the er, otherwise i would be there now" so he basically said no you cant go. i know that its silly for me to go to the er, but fuck i dont know what this thing is, but whatever i guess i just get to wait it out.... isnt that fun :)